GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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