Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
