i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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