Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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