I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
