On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
