just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
