Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
so much tequila, so little girl.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
