NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
