i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
