how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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