You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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