I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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