Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
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You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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