Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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