Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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