I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
