Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
