im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
