guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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