Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize