I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
