Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
