I just threw up on my dentist
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
