fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
