I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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