Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
