I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
