Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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