who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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