I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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