So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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