I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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