people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
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I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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