you're like a bully in the Christmas story
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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