You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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