I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
