Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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