I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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