I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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