i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
