I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
