It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
