so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
