does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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