yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
