Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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