There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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