I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i drank out of a bidet.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
