if i can run in heels then i can drive
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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