Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
