did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
