I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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