whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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