I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
