It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
