planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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