The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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