its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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