you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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