If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
