I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
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Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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