when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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