I'm eating all of the evidence.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
