I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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